Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

If you had more money you’d be happier.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.