Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

If I ignore life will it go away?

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

😊🦆

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

next level snooze

Emma is smarter than all of us.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer