Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

⛄️

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

me: my friends:

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU