Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

Good morning