Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
A Short Story.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time