Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
This kinda thing happens to me often
groan^2
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all