Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My support group can outdrink your support group.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
a fate I wish upon no one
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens