Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Finally! 😈

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.