Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
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I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don鈥檛 tell me I鈥檓 not allowed to have a favorite child.
I think I鈥檓 going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I鈥檓 by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I鈥檝e ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house鈥檚 mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
stopped to pee at a McDonner鈥檚
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don鈥檛 get caught.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I鈥檇 scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I really admire my daughter鈥檚 restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her