Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.