Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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Them: Just act casual
Me:
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find