Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*