Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Childbirth is so beautiful
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.