Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go