Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
It has been 3 years since Monday.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
i love modern commerce
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)