Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

road rage

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk