Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
you’re so productive for your wage
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”