Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Mistakes were made

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

My dream car is a taco truck.