Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

😼🖥️

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

good for her

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.