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An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.