amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
You Might Also Like
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Good dog. ❤️
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
When your diet is finally over.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in