Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

I wish this was real life…

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

ugh not again

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]