amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
You Might Also Like
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids