amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I just ran a .003048K
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
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ME: *tells my kid anything*
KID: i know i know i knowME: *asks my kid anything*
KID: i don’t know
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”