Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

The 6 types of sex

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!