Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

When your best mate counts as a desk too

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

😂😂😂

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

A sick whale is called an unwhale

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

I self medicate, therefore you live.

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes