Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT