Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.