Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

next level snooze

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Huge if true.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.