Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.