Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

👍

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color