Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.