Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
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A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this