Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”