Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.