Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

For the orator and chef in all of us