Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

not seeing the problem

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

i want it utterly assaulted.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Wednesday

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.