Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014