Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.