AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
a McRib killed my tapeworm
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.