amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
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Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
What a website
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Meanwhile in Portland…
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
what’s really going on
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.