Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

How it started: How it’s going:

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.