Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip