Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Church Pugh’s

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken