Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
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I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.