amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
He-man has a Masters degree
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
plums roundup
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
