Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

“no gods no masters” = leo

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.