amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
As per my last nervous breakdown
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
