Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
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You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
🤣✨#caturday
