Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
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I didn’t realize that was an option
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.