Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING