Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
The smoothest fall of all time
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none