Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
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bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
real
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead