Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

From my Mom

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

Stonehinge

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.