Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.