Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?