Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
What
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.