Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.