Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Some people were born into their job.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.