Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.