To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.
Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?
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“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.