@ashmensch

Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?

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@vexroid

To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.

@MoosePunch

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

@marinhubka

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

@Cheeseboy22

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

@brittwastaken

I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

@Browtweaten

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

@Tmoney68

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

@GorillaNipples1

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.