@vexroid
To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.
@ashmensch
Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?
You Might Also Like
@vexroid
@MoosePunch
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
@marinhubka
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
@Cheeseboy22
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
@brittwastaken
I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
@Browtweaten
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
@Tmoney68
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
@GorillaNipples1
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
@FeelingEuphoric
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
@UnFitz
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.