Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

Match dot com, but for socks.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool