Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

😭😭😭

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.