Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Canadian owl: Eh?

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.