Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

✨☝️✨

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.