[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.