Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly