Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.