AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I fixed it. For me
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.