Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never leaving this app.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

Now, where’s the sport in that?

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.