America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
incredible google review i just found
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
