America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm