America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Morning.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
