America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
my sentiments exactly
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.