America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Not recommended for beginners.
