Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

my astrological sign is a french fry

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.