America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium