America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.