Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*